Don’t Feed The Animals, A Series of Satirical Musings by Josh Lorenzo
Washington, D.C. – After swiping at the Eastern seaboard of the United States and then heading out to the Canadian Maritimes last week, Hurricane Dorian will be coming back with a vengeance, according to Meteorologist-in-Chief, Donald Trump.
Trump said that there is new model guidance which suggests that Dorian is expected to re-emerge somewhere north of Alaska next week, before going on to impact every single state in the union with heavy rains, high wind, and rough surf. Not even Kansas will be safe from its terror.
“Hurricane Dorian Part II: This time it’s personal,” tweeted the meteorologist-in-chief. “It’s a monster storm, the likes of which this country has never seen before,” continued the ominous tweet. “It’s going to be huge!”
Using his trusted NOAA cardboard map and black sharpie, Trump laid out the ominous path he expects Dorian to take on her vengeful return trip across America.
Dorian is forecast to come down from Alaska, head south to knock out Hawaii before turning east to crush California. From there it will go north, east, south, east, north, east, south, and come to a halt in Alabama, despite already directly impacting Alabama on its original pass.
“The cone of certainty is the entire country,” said the very stable genius. “I’m certainly certain of this.”
No other weather model has indicated this will happen, but according to Trump, “Every other weather model is a fake weather model,” including the well-respected Euro model.
“The Euro model should shut up and worry about Brexit,” Trump said at a recent press conference.
In that same press conference, Trump lashed out at reporters who asked him if his ludicrous forecast was distracting him from aiding Dorian’s victims in the Bahamas after the hurricane made landfall there as a Category 5.
“We’ll assist the victims in the Bahamas once everyone believes my forecast,” responded the meteorologist-in-chief.
A reporter also asked if the hurricane will then head south and put out the forest fire raging in the Amazon rainforest. “That would be ridiculous,” responded Trump. “Besides, how can something called a rainforest actually be on fire?”
Despite the troubling zigzag path of Hurricane Dorian, and its seemingly vengeful attitude towards modern civilization, the meteorologist-in-chief is unwilling to directly link this to global climate change. Given his impressive weather-related resume (having a tryst with Stormy Daniels), his claim is fully supported by his fervent base, and the National Oceanic Atmospheric Association (NOAA).
“Climate change is a hoax,” said Arkansas resident and supporter Clive Williams. “Every now and again you do get a hurricane with a mind of its own, and with enough power and energy to reach across the entire country. My pappy saw one do that back in nineteen hundred and forty-two.”
Years of record keeping have proven that no hurricane has ever impacted every state, in 1942 or otherwise.
That’s not enough for Williams, or the rest of the meteorologist-in-chief’s supporters. “Are you calling my pappy a liar?” asked Williams.
Josh Lorenzo is a part-time humor writer, featured in various places, such as McSweeney’s and the Washington Post. He writes a regular satirical column, Don’t Feed the Animals at Political Animal Magazine. He also has a blog at www.theauthorofsarcasm.com He lives is in suburban Maryland with his wife and two children.
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