Mission to Correct America’s Timeline by Changing the Past
Don’t Feed The Animals, A Series of Satirical Musings by: Josh Lorenzo
Washington, D.C. – In a surprising turn of events, Senator Orrin Hatch (R-UT), has announced that he is retiring from the 115th U.S. Congress and is time travelling back to 1851. Once there, he will run for Congress again.
The 84-year old Senator feels that this move will do him and the country some good. “1851 certainly lines up more with my ideals and vision for what this great Country should stand for. Too many people have rights in 2018. Too many of them insist on being treated fairly and, frankly, it’s become rather disgusting,” said Hatch.
Republican colleagues are in full support of their friend’s mission. Friend and current Senator Chuck Grassley (R-IA), said, “Orrin and I have been friends for well over one hundred years. I’ll certainly miss him, but who knows? Maybe I’ll join him one day in 1851.”
Democrats, for their part, are expressing concern about Hatch’s plan, which they regard as evidence of a right-wing conspiracy. The view among democrats is that taking senators who have outlived their usefulness in current day politics and sending them back in time, where they can set antiquated policies that will reverberate through the timeline, is extremely troubling.
“It’s obvious what this is,” said longtime Democratic senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY). “They can’t successfully make policy that hinders enough Americans in today’s Congress, despite having full control over every branch of Government. So, by going back in time, they can set policies in the past that we will be forced to live with today.”
If successful, American’s won’t even realize that present reality has been altered.
World renowned astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson said, “If a change is made to the timeline 167 years ago, that will become our new reality. We will have been born under that change and it will seem normal to us. Back to the Future II illustrates my point perfectly.”
“This is scary stuff,” says longtime Democratic Senator, Patrick Leahy (D-VT). “If they are successful, things like equal rights for women and minorities may become a thing of the past, or the future. Well, actually, the present. I just don’t know.”
Democrats are also concerned that time travelling will set a terrible precedent.
Says Leahy, “Suppose Brett Kavanaugh doesn’t get confirmed to be the next Supreme Court justice. What is stopping him from travelling back in time and getting confirmed there? Crap. I hope I didn’t just give them the idea.”
Regardless of Democrats’ criticism of this plan, Hatch is set to depart for 1851 at the next Congressional recess.
When asked what his marching orders from President Trump were, Hatch smiled and said, “He told me to do anything I want, just not to wear the “Make America Great Again” hat. He is proud of that slogan and wants to keep it for himself, even though he wouldn’t know to be mad at me for stealing the idea.”
Josh Lorenzo is a part-time humor writer, featured in various places, such as McSweeney’s and the Washington Post. He writes a regular satirical column, Don’t Feed the Animals at Political Animal Magazine. He also has a blog at www.theauthorofsarcasm.com He lives is in suburban Maryland with his wife and two children.