Don’t Feed The Animals, A Series of Satirical Musings by: Josh Lorenzo
Atlanta GA. – A recent public health study conducted at the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) finds that children who are exposed to a routine battery of vaccinations in childhood are at an increased risk of dying from natural causes, several decades later.
The medical community is hailing this research as a definitive argument in the fight against the anti-vaccination movement that has swept the country in recent decades. In 1998, a fraudulent research paper in the journal Lancet claimed a link between the mumps, measles, and rubella (MMR) vaccination and autism, which created a stir that is still having a negative impact on the public’s health.
“Finally, we have proof that when children receive these safe, non-autism causing vaccinations, they live long enough to die from other things,” said a spokesman for the CDC. “This should settle the argument over the importance of receiving childhood vaccinations once and for all.”
Members of the anti-vaccination movement, however, remain troubled by the findings that getting vaccinations will increase the risk of death in the distant future. “Have you ever seen an elderly person die from natural causes?” asked a concerned parent whose children have not received vaccinations. “It’s horrible.”
Bob Rondell, another anti-vaccination advocate stated, “It’s terribly disconcerting to watch a loved one die in old age from absolutely nothing, and after having lived a full and rich life. I’m not sure that sort of thing is in the best interest of my children.”
Still, the medical community remains steadfast in its belief that any negative ramifications of a longer life, such as increased cynicism, ear hair growth, and a strong desire to nap, are nullified by the fact that dying of a preventable disease in childhood remains the worst option available.
The brunt of these new findings might be borne, however, by geriatric physicians, who specialize in the diagnosis, treatment, and prevention of diseases and disabilities in older adults.
“Assuming that more people live to old age, we will seriously need to re-evaluate our approach to treating these individuals,” said geriatric physician, Len McCoy. “The ethical question we must ask ourselves is whether we want more people growing frail, cynical, and crotchety. The emotional burden this takes on families of the elderly should not simply be dismissed.”
Some restaurant owners are also expressing their concerns over this potentially life-extending study. General Manager and CEO of Stan’s Smorgasbord, Stan Midge said, “We don’t have enough seating for an influx of Early Bird Special patrons who express a strong desire to eat dinner at 4:00 in the afternoon.”
Undeterred, the medical community is pushing forward with plans to both replicate the findings of this promising study, while also implementing a social media push, promoting the benefits of vaccinations. Said the CDC spokesperson, “People have an unequivocal right to live long enough to complain about arthritis and to drive a Cadillac.”
Josh Lorenzo is a part-time humor writer, featured in various places, such as McSweeney’s and the Washington Post. He writes a regular satirical column, Don’t Feed the Animals at Political Animal Magazine. He also has a blog at www.theauthorofsarcasm.com He lives is in suburban Maryland with his wife and two children.
Image: Vaccination in Sao Paulo Brazil (CC BY-ND 2.0)
I think it was Jim Morrison who said “no one gets out of here alive.” Meanwhile we can vaccinate our children and read funny stuff about the human condition.
Funny and poignant, Josh. Reminds me of an old Redd Foxx routine in which he ridiculed health nuts: “[They] are going to feel stupid some day, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing!”
Josh, I was bourn in 1925. From that year on and as recently as early August of 2018, I was vaccinated against various diseases. And now you are telling me that years or -most likekely- decades later I will face old age, which could end in death of natural causes?
There’s some book (Brave New World maybe?) where everyone gets a drug in infancy and then they don’t have any illness and stay healthy for the next 70 years or so. At age 70 they go to a “Galloping Senility Ward” where they get all the diseases they would have gotten earlier at once, and they die very quickly. That’s the vaccine I want.